It has already been several decades since I made a profession of mapping language and the mind. Translating the language of consciousness, counseling the language of the unconscious, and now conversing with AI, the language of machines, I have realized one truth: the most sophisticated algorithm in our lives is none other than ‘human relationships’.
If someone we were once close to suddenly cuts off all contact and disappears, we often accuse them of being cold or heartless. However, from my perspective, having counseled the inner thoughts of countless people, that quiet disconnection is never a momentary impulse.
Rather, it is closer to the most desperate yet rational ‘survival strategy’ that the brain and mind employ to protect oneself.
When we form relationships, we unconsciously keep an ’emotional ledger’. Those who are sincere in relationships become generous investors in the beginning. They listen to the other person’s complaints for hours, and even fill rudeness with laughter, saying ‘it can happen’.
I, too, have lived in the past, eroding myself to satisfy everyone around me. The time I spent building relationships as if begging for recognition eventually left me with only an exhausted soul. When the energy I pour in is 100, but what returns converges to 0, our brain declares this relationship to be in a state of ‘bankruptcy’. At this point, the disconnection is not revenge, but a wise management decision to prevent further waste of life.
Those who choose disconnection opt for silence instead of exploding. Even getting angry is already a wasteful expenditure of energy for them. They quietly observe, accumulating invisible yellow cards in their minds. When the other person takes promises lightly or utters words that disregard others, they might still be smiling.
But that smile is merely the final ceremony of social courtesy before closing the door on the relationship. What is commonly found in the numerous cases I’ve encountered through counseling is that the breakdown of a person’s trust is not due to a single incident, but the cumulative result of countless ignored ‘last rescue signals’. Like a passage from a diary stating, “If you get too close to people, you are bound to see their dirty and ugly sides,” relationships that fail to maintain an appropriate distance ultimately end with only confirming each other’s worst aspects.
From a neuroscience perspective, such disconnection is a measure to prevent overload. Our brain’s rational control tower suppresses emotional stress, reassuring itself, “Let me just bear it a little longer.” However, when this process reaches its limit, the brain forcibly presses the disconnect button to prevent the entire system from collapsing. This is the state of ‘psychological burnout’. In a state where all fuel has been consumed, there is no strength left to even rekindle the flame, which is why they can leave without any explanation or regret.
Life is not only a process of finding people who are right for us but also a process of politely seeing off those who are not.
I, too, finally found peace of mind by tidying up relationships and roles I had clung to for years. ‘Danshari (斷捨離: cutting off, discarding, letting go)’ doesn’t apply only to material possessions. Just as an entire tree dies if rotten branches are not pruned, if you don’t clear out relationships that erode you, your entire life will wither.
The decision to “now be able to comfortably cut, erase, and clear away” is not heartless; it is the most creative act for cultivating the beautiful garden that is oneself.
Do not call the quietude that follows the tidying of relationships loneliness. It is ‘ordered tranquility’. True loneliness is losing oneself in a crowd, rather than being physically alone.
In a garden overgrown with weeds, there is no room for the flowers you cherish to bloom. In the space cleared of meaningless numbers, true connections that do not deplete you will soon arrive and blossom.
Today, too, I refine the map of my mind by writing in a small corner of a cafe, or by the seashore where waves are visible. I sincerely hope this writing serves as a small opportunity for you to review your relationship ledger and find the peace of mind you may have lost.
Remember that solitude is not a deficiency, but the most enriching time to fully face yourself. I wish for your garden to shine again in tranquility.